ABC*, I am your next Chris Harrison

That's right.  For your next upcoming reality series, I respectfully submit myself for consideration.  I'm an ideal candidate: not unpleasant on the eyes, replete with wonderful diction, and more than happy to help relate the dramas of the limelight-seeking attractive masses of America.

Please note my qualifications:

  • I will not distract from the pretty people. 
  • I can more than aptly cast the concerned eye upon the woes of the said pretty people. 
  • I will say things like, "This is the most shocking ______ of ______ ever!" with aplomb and panache.  
  • I can and will travel to exotic locales.  
  • My innocuous and banal charm will attract reality fans and middle-aged women from every nook an cranny of this country. 
  • I will hit my marks and wax poetic on any functional script put before me. 
  • I clean and suit up nice. 
  • I banter with, and relate to, better-looking people than myself like it's my job.  (Hence this post!)
  • I am more than willing to taunt contestants with the last rose/vote/chance of safety/schtick-of-your-choice.  (Professionally, of course.)
  • I will chatter the company message on every blogs, radio show, stoop and back porch you see fit. 

In place of a resume, I shamelessly submit a side-by-side comparison of Mr. Harrison and family, and my own:

I think pimping out my family speaks for itself.  Suit me up.  Hand me a script and a gaggle of pretty 15-minute-ers.  Send me to Turks and Caicos!  I will brand and poster boy and represent all the way to profit margins and residuals.  Let's break some hearts.

ps.  * As well as CBS, NBC, FOX, Bravo, Lifetime, etc....

No comments: