O u r M a n i n L o s A n g e l e s

Sometimes your face is just right there

2012-02-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

ps. My new view. My co-worker isn't sure who put it in her mailbox. She also said sometimes "your face is just right there," and this would help. Funny, this sums up my day.

I want to go to there

2012-02-01T12:41:00.000-08:00

ps. There's no way there's a better answer than Shawshank Redemption.

Happy Wednesday: Criminal Joy

2012-02-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

ps. I've always loved this video. Always. Like, even when Fiona and I didn't give a shit about anything but Santa and birthday cake, and this video was nothing but the sparkle in the eye of a Parents Television Council member. So I think that's reason enough for Happy Wednesday. But, I have to say, what's the deal with the bottle of what looks like Lemon Joy dish soap at the end? And the pink spoog? Did the video really need that? It's an eye soar on this otherwise delightful video. Why, Fiona, why? Why the Joy? Why the pink spoog? Leave a good thing alone.

J on Powerpoint

2012-01-31T18:01:00.000-08:00

3:41:05 PM J - I made a powerpoint presentation once and HR shit on my head.

ps.

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

2012-01-29T21:58:00.000-08:00

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore from Moonbot Studios on Vimeo.

ps. Reblogged from Law of Sympathy. A little bit of melancholy, a little bit of hope. Lovely end to my weekend.

Boners: Dance Like Nobody's Watching

2012-01-29T12:42:00.000-08:00

ps. This is awesome. From HelloGiggles.

pps. And at the same time, I did keep thinking: That's a really nice laundromat. My laundromat is a real f-ing hole.

Oh, it's a sports bar

2012-01-28T18:45:00.000-08:00

ps. Yeah, I didn't get that from its name.

pps. Jesus. Can't there be one cool, non-douchebag bar in my neighborhood?

ppps. Ideas for names of new LA douchebag bars:

Suck & Blow
Plastic
The Shit
Greek
The Valley   (but it'd be in the basin, zing!)
Shit People Drink
Fag & Shag
F-U-C   K-E-Y   M-O-U-S-E
           (I don't know why, but I like the idea of an LA douchebag bar called Fuckey Mouse, where people say it's name a la the Mickey Mouse Club refrain)

Ferris Bueller?, James Franco does USC, and Dance Party Friday!

2012-01-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

Ferris Bueller in a Super Bowl commercial. I realize everyone is shitting their bricks over this. But people do realize he's going to be selling Doritos or All State insurance, right? I mean, this is essentially no different from the G.I. Joe franchise, the Battleship movie, or internet vids turned into TV ad campaigns. (See here. And here. And here.)

But, go ahead. As Ralph Nader said in The Greatest Movie Ever Sold, the only place you can go to avoid advertising is to sleep. The risk-averse industry is making cannibalism cool. Our childhoods are what's for dinner. Shit your bricks:

And then there's Undergrads, ubiquitous James Franco's scripted reality web series on USC misspent youths. You can see the LA Times article here on how USC is also shitting some bricks over this, and how it's basically fueling the University of Spoiled Children party school image that USC has been trying to overcome.

James Franco on WhoSay

I'm not sure what's more ridiculous. This series, the fact that (based on the LA Times article) USC's undergrad film students appear to be in their mid-to-late 20's, or James Franco. Of course it's probably James Franco, but I'm going to have to go with the mid-to-late 20's thing. So USC is no longer a rich kids' Club Med, but it is a place for aimless tweny-somethings to get belated Club Med degrees? Awesome.

ps. And, of course, to make all things better, Dance Party Friday!

To continue the retro theme, a classic from back when:

And then something from high school/college:

pps. I know I mentioned G.I. Joe, but the sequel trailer, god help me, is pretty fun. Not that that means anything. But still.

"Previews"

2012-01-26T13:19:00.000-08:00

Video/music Thursday!!!

2012-01-26T12:26:00.000-08:00

Pre-acting Timberlake. Holla. A tad retro, back when pop was pop (read: in) and videos were videos (read: shit worth watching) :

ps. Plus a song I find inexplicably catchy:

Sex > Running, or Running > sex?

2012-01-25T10:42:00.000-08:00

ps. Gonna have to check with 25 on this one.

Chloë Moretz, Skype & Journey

2012-01-25T09:59:00.000-08:00

ps. I honestly don't even know why I find this so transfixing. Even with the buffering. Maybe because of the buffering. It also helps that I literally stumbled on this on YouTube. Totally random, didn't even think it was real when I clicked on it. Part of it may be that I have a hard time of thinking of her as anything but Hit-Girl, and I didn't even like Kick-Ass. But somehow she's adorably and completely unselfconscious, full of quirk and whimsy, and cute as a button. I mean, really, Chloë Moretz lip-singing to Journey over Skype to a friend? And I can't stop watching it? Really? Really.

pps. I also love: "Bye. Put this on Facebook."

Today the 2012 Oscar noms came out, so instead....

2012-01-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

The Vulture's Worst Movies of 2012 Critics' Poll! Some highlights:

Thelma Adams, Yahoo! Movies
1. War Horse. Some people weep over Steven Spielberg's emotionally manipulative movie. It made me weep for other reasons. And that telegraphing John Williams score sent me into a murderous rage.
4. Green Lantern. Just having Ryan Reynolds in a skin-tight outfit is not enough. Okay, it's nearly enough but a coherent story really, really would have helped.
And while David Fincher's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is not the year's worst movie, it seems to me to be the most unnecessary remake.

Melissa Anderson, Village Voice
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. The Worst Day, the Worst Child Actor.
I Don't Know How She Does It. As pleasurable as chewing pieces of glass (ceiling).

Zach Baron, The Daily
Young Adult. Burn in smug rich person hell, Jason Reitman.
Sucker Punch. One of an improbable two sleep-rape fantasias starring Emily Browning in 2011. But at least Sleeping Beauty didn’t require Browning to warble an awful cover of “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This).”
Friends With Benefits. Not one but two flash mob scenes, plus a street artist uncritically named after noted My Lai war criminal Lieutenant William Calley. Not even the slut-shaming What’s Your Number? — in which Anna Faris was forced to wear an Anne Taylor pantsuit and play lingerie basketball against Chris Evans — was as excruciatingly detached from basic human reality.

Richard Brody, The New Yorker
Four stood out; the worst shall be first.
Hesher. Isn’t violence cute?
Submarine. Isn’t intellect cute?
Beginners. Isn’t homosexuality cute?
War Horse. Ponderous banalities delivered like graven tablets from on high.

Ed Gonzales, Slant
1. The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence). Just when you thought it was safe to rim again.

Mark Holcomb, Village Voice
Bad Teacher/Horrible Bosses. Why is Hollywood trying to get me to identify with sociopaths?
Paranormal Activity 3. The cinematic equivalent of somebody explaining why a joke is funny. For the second time.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Sodomy, She Wrote.

Mark Kermode, BBC
10. Lion King 3D

Michael Koresky, Reverse Shot
5. New Year’s Eve. It may seem pointless to waste a slot on a knowingly silly romantic comedy that no one expected to be more than a trashy lark. But at one point during the film — each successive subplot of which seemed on a mission to continually outdo the prior one in stupidity — I glanced around at the viewers in the packed theater, and they looked like they we were watching Sophie’s Choice.

Kevin B. Lee, Fandor
The Descendants. It's not "Hawaiian"; it's plain lazy filmmaking.

Nathan Lee, Film Comment
Midnight in Paris. I'm not sure what I hated more, Allen's misogyny or the unrelenting tedium of his received ideas, but either way it made me want to stab myself in the face.

Michelle Orange, Movieline
Battle: Los Angeles. Aliens from planet Shakey Cam invade Santa Monica. This movie would nauseate a methed-up mosquito.
The Change-Up. My relationship with Jason Bateman can survive everything but contempt.
Just Go With It. I'm writing a book about Adam Sandler's producing career, it's called I Don't Know How He Does It. Just kidding, it's called Zookeeper.

Christopher Orr, The Atlantic
Just Go With It by a vast margin, the worst film-going experience of my year, though I confess this may be in part because I was unable to bring myself to see Jack and Jill. Adam Sandler’s decision to follow up Funny People — and his indelible portrait of a comic filled with disgust for his witless, “family comedy” output — with those two films and Grown Ups can mean one of only two things: He is either the least self-aware actor in Hollywood, or the most.

Jonathan Rosenbaum, JonathanRosenbaum.com
Drive. Extreme violence as a function of specious and hypocritical morality was already the selling point of The Passion of the Christ; this clever and talented celebration of carnage employed it as a function of specious and hypocritical “sensitivity,” which makes it in some ways even more offensive.
Shame. More “sensitivity,” tied in this case to sexist and homophobic complacencies and diverse brutalities.
Contagion. Like so many other Soderbergh films these days, another tiresome example of cynicism viewing corruption as inescapable, everyday, and deeply profound.
J. Edgar. Even though this had its points and moments, it winds up being dangerously close to an apologia for a creep who doesn’t deserve this sort of pity or “understanding.”
Rampart. The sort of Oscar-mongering that can cast a liberal activist (Woody Harrelson) as a racist thug to show us how “complex” the modern world is supposed to be.

Charles Taylor, New York Times
Shame. At last, an art movie for Santorum voters.
The Tree of Life. "Father? Mother?" Oh, brother.
Anything that Miranda July ever does in this life or the next.

Alynda Wheat, People
1. Jack and Jill. So offensively lazy and stereotypical that I'm convinced that Adam Sandler hates us — not just critics, ALL of us.
2. Restless. Mia Wasikowska dies so beautifully ... pity she couldn't do it faster.
5. Bad Teacher. I thought Justin Timberlake dry-humping Cameron Diaz would be hotter, somehow.

Armond White, Movie City News
Super 8. A movie only Spielberg-haters could love.

Stephanie Zacharek, Movieline
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. 9/11 gets the "I can has cheezburger?" treatment.
Waiting for Forever. If your idea of a great Valentine's Day is to ring up your secret beloved and breathe heavily into the phone, this is the movie for you.
Cars 2. The first one was a lemon, too. And I don't care what your 4-year-old thinks.
Larry Crowne. Proof, supposedly, that Julia Roberts is too old to be bankable. Has it occurred to anyone that maybe it's Tom Hanks we don't want to look at?
Something Borrowed. Please, keep it. No, really.

ps. Sodomy, She Wrote. LOL. This alone is totally worth the time it took to read all of these.

pps. I love how both this poll and the Oscars "agreed" on Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Ha.

ppps. To continue what P calls the "Oscar Vitriol Parade," here is Manohla Dargis' review of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Bon appétit.

"I'm not horny anymore"

2012-01-23T18:03:00.000-08:00

IM at work today with J:

4:18:21 PM J -i broke up with [boy]
4:18:29 PM J - but now he wants to come over
4:18:33 PM J - and i'm weak
4:19:16 PM Adam - we need to come up with a new term for you two. "broke up" doesn't really work anymore.
4:19:29 PM Adam - "we took a breather"?
4:19:35 PM J - "u being a loser is bothering me today"
4:18:49 PM Adam - "you made me pay for your dinner"
4:19:55 PM J - "i'm not horny anymore"
4:20:26 PM Adam -oh, i like "i'm not horny anymore"
4:20:35 PM Adam - that's the one. fits you two to a tee
4:20:48 PM J -
4:21:01 PM Adam - save it for [boy]
4:21:06 PM J - sick
4:21:17 PM J - he bought filters for my cat fountain
4:21:27 PM J - that's his excuse for coming over tonight...
4:22:12 PM Adam - well if that's not a euphemism, then I don't know what one is
4:22:36 PM J - haha, but he's being literal which is not hot
4:23:20 PM Adam - literal? pervert. You should totally tell him that you're not horny anymore.

ps. Relationships are complicated.

Word

2012-01-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

ps. That's how I roll, motherfucker. Ha. Love. That. Shit. I just had a "convo" with a co-worker in which she had to tell me what "FML" meant, and I had to tell her what the word "gumption" meant. Sweet jesus.

I have no idea if this is for real

2012-01-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

ps. And I don't even care. It's sublime.

Go frak yourself, LA

2012-01-21T21:43:00.000-08:00

As seen on bullshit LA citation "Additional Information" form:

WHY IS THE PRICE OF THE TICKET SO HIGH?
The base fine for each violation will be between $20 and $100. However, the State of California imposes additional fines and assessments which result in a total fine that can be more than 4 to 7 times the base bail.

????

ps. See above title of this post again, please.

Mmmm.....SOPAPIPAS!

2012-01-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

ps.Though I totally made this joke last week. Damn internet.

pps. Though, in all seriousness: SOPA/PIPA=bullshit.

Karate Kids $40!

2012-01-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

Every morning I drive by this place, and every morning it looks to me like they sell KARATE KIDS for 40 bucks. And no contracts!

ps. I'd totally buy three of 'em.

Cost of Living - behind the scenes teaser

2012-01-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

People online are talking about having seen BenDavid Grabinski's Cost of Living sci-fi/horror/comedy short at various festivals. I am not one of them, being with child, without money, and with a day job.

BUT, I'm really psyched about it. I dug his spec, and I'd love to see his his unadulterated voice onscreen. Plus it looks like a shitload of fun.

Dig:

Cost Of Living - Behind the Scenes Teaser from BenDavid Grabinski on Vimeo.

ps. Word is he's putting it online on Feb 14th.

Badass: n. 1) A tough, aggressive, or uncooperative person. 2) Cormac McCarthy

2012-01-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

So the latest news is that Cormac McCarthy just "surprised" his agents with his spec script The Counselor while they were expecting his latest book. This guy writes amazing, muscular novels that have been filling some of the gaping holes in American film that are just waiting for original, gripping stories. And then he gets "adapted" for the screen -- which usually seems to mean watered down, or translated into screenplay format.

I LOVE Cormac McCarthy's writing. And I fucking love that he dropped a spec script onto his agents' desks. No word, just ::boom::. Make that into a movie.

ps. That's badass.

Quentin Tarantino’s official Top Eleven of 2011

2012-01-17T10:19:00.000-08:00

As seen on www.tarantino.info:

Quentin Tarantino’s official Top Eleven of 2011

1. Midnight In Paris
2. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
3. Moneyball
4. The Skin I Live In
5. X-Men: First Class
6. Young Adult
7. Attack The Block
8. Red State
9. Warrior
10. The Artist / Our Idiot Brother (tie)
11. The Three Musketeers

Others he liked (no particular order)

50/50
Beginners
Hugo
The Iron Lady
Carnage
Green Hornet
Green Lantern
Captain America
The Descendants
My Week With Marilyn
Fast Five
Tree Of Life
The Hangover Part II
Mission Impossible 4
The Beaver
Contagion
The Sitter
War Horse

Nice Try Award

Drive
Hannah
Drive Angry
Real Steel

Best Director

Pedro Almodovar
Bennett Miller
Woody Allen
Jason Reitman
Michel Hazanavicius

Best Original Screenplay

Midnight In Paris
Young Adult
Red State
Attack The Block
Our Idiot Brother
Beginners

Best Adapted Screenplay

Moneyball
The Skin I live In
Carnage
Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
Hugo
X-Men: First Class

ps. Three Musketeers? Really?

pps. Otherwise, I find this pretty engaging.

Double shot from Childish Gambino

2012-01-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

Terminal 5 Finale. from Ibra Ake on Vimeo.

ps. Love it. Fresh Prince vid semi-reblogged from Molls.

I didn't watch a single second of the Golden Globes

2012-01-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

keithcalder:

Actors - 7 (one is a lifetime achievement award)
Directors - 4
Songwriters - 3 (team of three; one member is an actor/director/singer)
Producers - 2+ (unclear who is nominated, but at least two)
Screenwriters - 1 (also an actor/director)
Composers - 1
Documentarians - 0
Cinematographers - 0
Editors - 0
Production Designers - 0
Art Directors - 0
Costume Designers - 0
Make Up Artists - 0
VFX Supervisors - 0
Stunt Choreographers - 0
Sound Editors/Designers - 0
Sound Mixers - 0

ps. Didn't miss it at all.

A dollar makes me holla honey-boo-boo

2012-01-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

Alana, Age 6, Best Beauty Pageant Kid, Ever | Break.com

ps. i can't help it. i'm tearing up, on the floor, oh my god....

Andrew in Drag

2012-01-13T10:06:00.001-08:00

ps. New Magnetic Fields song, preview of album coming in March. Too far away. I could really use a new dose of Fields these days.

Tebowie

2012-01-13T10:02:00.000-08:00

ps. I'm not sure what I like more, Fallon's Tebowie, or the Hispanic T-Mobile commercial that proceeds it.

Um, yes please (or, god, I hope so, at least)

2012-01-12T15:33:00.000-08:00

ps. I haven't really connected with a Wes Anderson film since Rushmore. Personally, Bottle Rocket is still my favorite. But, this does look promising, and far far better than The Darjeeling Limited.

The Joy of Books

2012-01-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

ps. I personally crave story and the form/delivery method is secondary. But I DO love me a good book. And so many of my favorite books stores have closed in LA. So, to the late Mystery Bookstore of Westwood, this one's for you.

Ridiculous, awesome, and just what Tuesday needed

2012-01-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

ps. If small white guys and black nerds could rock a basketball court, the world would be a better place.

Scathing skim milk!

2012-01-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

A letter from Raymond Chandler to Alfred Hitchcock, after their failed working relationship on Strangers on a Train, as posted on Letters of Note:

December 6th, 1950

Dear Hitch,

In spite of your wide and generous disregard of my communications on the subject of the script of Strangers on a Train and your failure to make any comment on it, and in spite of not having heard a word from you since I began the writing of the actual screenplay—for all of which I might say I bear no malice, since this sort of procedure seems to be part of the standard Hollywood depravity—in spite of this and in spite of this extremely cumbersome sentence, I feel that I should, just for the record, pass you a few comments on what is termed the final script. I could understand your finding fault with my script in this or that way, thinking that such and such a scene was too long or such and such a mechanism was too awkward. I could understand you changing you mind about the things you specifically wanted, because some of such changes might have been imposed on you from without. What I cannot understand is your permitting a script which after all had some life and vitality to be reduced to such a flabby mass of clichés, a group of faceless characters, and the kind of dialogue every screen writer is taught not to write—the kind that says everything twice and leaves nothing to be implied by the actor or the camera. Of course you must have had your reasons but, to use a phrase once coined by Max Beerbohm, it would take a "far less brilliant mind than mine" to guess what they were.

Regardless of whether or not my name appears on the screen among the credits, I'm not afraid that anybody will think I wrote this stuff. They'll know damn well I didn't. I shouldn't have minded in the least if you had produced a better script—believe me. I shouldn't. But if you wanted something written in skim milk, why on earth did you bother to come to me in the first place? What a waste of money! What a waste of time! It's no answer to say that I was well paid. Nobody can be adequately paid for wasting his time.

(Signed, 'Raymond Chandler')

ps. That shit is beautiful.

Patrick Stewart on domestic violence

2012-01-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

“Our house was small, and when you grow up with domestic violence in a confined space you learn to gauge, very precisely, the temperature of situations. I knew exactly when the shouting was done and a hand was about to be raised – I also knew exactly when to insert a small body between the fist and her face, a skill no child should ever have to learn. Curiously, I never felt fear for myself and he never struck me, an odd moral imposition that would not allow him to strike a child. The situation was barely tolerable: I witnessed terrible things, which I knew were wrong, but there was nowhere to go for help. Worse, there were those who condoned the abuse. I heard police or ambulancemen, standing in our house, say, “She must have provoked him,” or, “Mrs Stewart, it takes two to make a fight.” They had no idea. The truth is my mother did nothing to deserve the violence she endured. She did not provoke my father, and even if she had, violence is an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict. Violence is a choice a man makes and he alone is responsible for it.”

Patrick Stewart: the legacy of domestic violence

ps. I swear this is the last time I'm stealing from BenDavid Grabinski. Today.

pps. Stewart rocks.

A note on piracy -- PAY TO WATCH WHAT YOU CARE ABOUT

2012-01-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

Have to pass along the following:

a note from Ti West on piracy

keithcalder:

Every time you purchase something you are making a statement. You are creating physical evidence that something has value. If something has a high value, then it becomes in high demand. So if you make a concerted effort to support lesser-known, interesting and esoteric things (Art?) then you are helping make those lesser-known things more popular. I’m sure we can all agree that there are incredible movies made every year that never get the attention they deserve - That’s not the movies’ fault. That is our collective fault for not being proactive enough to GO OUT OF OUR WAY to support them.

Filmmaker Ti West has written a heartfelt letter to the Internet, requesting that you do not pirate his new film THE INNKEEPERS. I hope letters like this become a more common occurrence. People should know that pirating independent films has a huge negative impact on people they want to support, and on the future of films that they might want to see.

Most independent distributors I know already think it’s pointless to release interesting independent films for young people. They think young people will only show up for blockbusters, and will pirate anything else. And this attitude is getting worse, because the evidence supports it. The audience for interesting youthful independent films is the same audience that heavily pirates online. Distributors and film financiers want to make films for a viable market, and you’re not a market if you don’t pay for content. Your taste literally stops mattering, and the content will be determined by people who still pay for content.

Do you want to live in a world where RESERVOIR DOGS or PULP FICTION wouldn’t be able to get made, because the distributors all assume its audience would just pirate it? Because that’s where we’re headed right now.

I’ve heard all the counterarguments, but in the end they’re just rationalizations. It comes down to this: people pirate because they want to watch whatever movie they want whenever they want for whatever price they want to pay. As a consumer, I understand that. Why wouldn’t you want that? That’s not something that the traditional distribution system gives them, but it is something that piracy offers them. I’m sure people would also love to have Apple give them a free iPhone every year, but Apple isn’t going to do that. Apple charges money because they are a business with a huge staff and expenses that go into actually designing, making, and distribution the iPhone. But you can’t torrent an iPhone, so people buy into Apple’s system.

Piracy can offer you a better short-term deal than the traditional distribution system because piracy doesn’t actually have to make movies, but in the long-term you are destroying the ability for interesting new films to be made.

Yes, there are a lot of annoying limitations on how films are released in the traditional distribution system. The films are released in different territories at different times and they are released on different media at different times. It’s confusing and it’s frustrating. But the whole purpose for this system is to try to recoup the cost of making movies, and hopefully even make a profit.

The types of films that can make money are the types of films that keep getting made. That is the simple math of the film industry. When someone loves a film they didn’t pay for, that’s a vote that doesn’t get counted. When someone hates a film they did pay for, that’s a vote for more movies like that. So if you pay to see TRANSFORMERS 3 in theaters and pirate THE INNKEEPERS, it’s a vote that you want more films like TRANSFORMERS 3 and don’t want films like THE INNKEEPERS.

I don’t point this out to bash TRANSFORMERS 3, but I know a lot of people who hated the film and saw it in the theater. I know some of these people also pirated smaller films that they liked. To the filmmaking and distribution system it doesn’t matter what you like, it matters what you pay for.

Make your voice count by watching films in the system. That might mean seeing films in the theater, or if you want to save money, it might mean watching them on Netflix or TV. These things all “count” and have a direct impact on what films are made in the future. Vote with your money, or your taste will be ignored.

ps. Taken from BenDavid Grabinski at Haters only hate.

Fortune Cookie

2012-01-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

ps. J: "...in bed." (regretting have said this) (considers) ::nods:: (rescinds regret)

Mexican Grandma hot chocolate

2012-01-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

That's right. Apparently, I've never heard of Abuelita -- which classically comes in the shape of little chocolate discs you dissolve in hot water or milk. A Hispanic co-worker says it's because I'm not from LA, which I assume she is confusing with Mexico, or she doesn't realize that there are Hispanic people in the US outside of LA. Regardless, this was just powder in a packet, but still, an abuelita was right there on the box. After six years in the desert, I now know that Nestle makes Mexican grandma hot chocolate.

Which, FYI, is very cinnamon-y and delicious.

ps. Though I'd say that abuelita on the box looks like a blancita to me.

$105,431 bar tab from Dubai

2012-01-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

ps.

A: It's for Jan 2, 2012...that's ballin'
J: yowza
A: Why would you spend all that money on a bottle of crystal and only like $30 on a birthday cake?
J: Dude, imagine how much $ I could make giving lapdances over there.

The Teachings of Brian Krakow

2012-01-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

-- Brian Krakow

God is hilarious

2012-01-04T17:51:00.000-08:00

ps. Ha. Love it. Reblogged from the wonderful Kelly Oxford.

Boners: Gymkata: BEST. MOVIE. EVER

2012-01-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

ps. A friend of mine discovered this back in high school. It was a MOMENT IN TIME. Seriously, how did we stumble on movies like this pre-internet? I have no fucking idea. But this movie has stayed with me. I have to find it on DVD. (It's on Youtube in it's entirety, I think, but this one merits a pre-internet physical purchase.)

pps. Put this out in 3D and maybe -- MAYBE -- I'll go see it. F-ing 3D.

The Day

2012-01-03T16:51:00.000-08:00

The day was a year at first
When children played in the garden;

The day shrank down to a month
When the boys played ball;

The day was a week thereafter
When young men walked in the garden;

The day will last forever
When it is nothing at all.

-- Theodore Spencer

So long 2011: Best of...

2012-01-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

ps. Nothing but love 2011, but here's to hoping 2012 makes you start to self-medicate.

I fought the plane, and the plane won

2012-01-02T22:21:00.000-08:00

My pregnant wife and I made it to midnight on New Years Eve at a friend's wedding after a week of little sleep and traveling with a toddler in a 5 hour plane flight. That, in itself, was a motherfucking miracle. But after that and, again, little sleep, we had another flight with our toddler back to LA.

There's a moment in everyone's life -- if not many -- when you're on a flight with some parent(s) and their toddler. I'm not talking about the dumbass parent who can't control their kid or lets their child scream or run amok most of the flight. I mean the poor, unfortunate parent who's trying to calm a miserable toddler who's too big to be comfortable trapped on a parents lap or in a car seat for five hours, and yet too young to understand what's going on. And yet, every one of us had judged that parent. It's obnoxious, it's a nuisance.

Believe me, those who judge have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. Which I have realized since being a parent. You know those movies where things just get worse and worse for some poor soul and by the end of their ordeal they look like death warmed over? That was me, like John McClane, bloody and crawling through a tin can.

I love my son like you wouldn't believe and I'd walk through fire for him, but stepping off that plane was like the a breath of fresh air on the first day of spring after a long and hellish winter with a high death count and no in-flight snack in sight.

Sometimes LA and I don't get along, but, my god, it's a beautiful, beautiful place right now.

ps. My brothers-in-law brought in the yule tide cheer by endlessly watching this honey badger video with flamboyant narration:

pps. United Airlines can kiss my ass. They make Southwest look a private jet with catered meals and free blowjobs.

Top 10 Lists Suck Nuts, but still....

2011-12-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

The title of this post speaks for itself. But still: Top Ten Lists suck. They're almost pointless. The mere numbness one feels after reading all the variations of top ten lists out there by professionals at places this really settle this fact. Moreover, this year f-ing blows, cinematically speaking, as seems to be the trend of recent years. So the resulting lists are either ridiculous, filled with movies most people haven't seen or didn't have access to, or are populated by bloated, overrated, silly movies like Tree of Life -- which in a better year would have been relegated to an obligatory honorary mention.

But, anyway, I'm going to post BenDavid Grabinski's top ten list for 2011. (Don't ask me about the combo first name, I have no idea.) Grabinski is amusing. And I (sort of) met him once when I was temping as a receptionist at a not-to-be-named studio. He was polite (which is a rarity in La La Land for people to be polite to people they don't know, or to people like receptionists or assistants) and funny. I also really dug his spec. His blog is fun, and, on topic, I find his top ten list to be refreshingly all-inclusive, respectable, and aware of its zeitgeisty meh-ness:

Top ten lists are stupid, but I might as well…

10) TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY
9) FAST FIVE
8) THE DESCENDANTS
7) MIDNIGHT IN PARIS
6) MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE GHOST PROTOCOL
5) DRIVE
4) ATTACK THE BLOCK
3) YOUNG ADULT
2) HUGO
1) A BOY AND HIS SAMURAI (festival)

Worst:
1) PIRATES 4

Rad movies that missed the top ten: RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, MARTHY MARCY MICHAEL MULLET MILDEW MAY, BULLHEAD (festival), THE YELLOW SEA, WAR HORSE, WARRIOR, GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (easily the best movie of the year in terms of formalism), TINTIN, YOU’RE NEXT, SUPER.

I will probably edit this in five minutes after I realize I forgot something important.
Also, I always look back at my top ten lists years later and laugh. You never know which movies will have staying power. TINKER TAILOR could end up being #1 etc.

ps. Ha. One worst movie listed. I decree all top ten lists should do that from here on out.

The More the Merrier

2011-12-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

Jen at Law of Sympathy sparked my love of screwball comedies this morning. One of my all-time favs is The More the Merrier. I heart this movie like I did Mandy Gollinger in fifth grade. This is the well-known kissing scene. Not as flat-out funny as the rest of the movie, but amazing nonetheless.

ps. Oh, Jean Arthur.... She socks me sideways in this scene.

What?

2011-12-21T17:11:00.000-08:00

"See you on the backside."
- Some tech guy I do NOT know,
as he was passing my department's cubicles

ps.

pps. This might be ill-timed, considering my previous post.

This shit is for real

2011-12-21T16:57:00.000-08:00

ps. No joke.

Times are a changin'

2011-12-20T17:38:00.000-08:00

ps. You know, I do feel that pang of sadness over this transition. I grew up going to movie theaters, a lot -- especially the little art house theaters. And there is something about the social act of watching movies with a crowd of people. BUT, I feel like people should be less concerned about the changing way in which we watch movies, and more concerned that a lot of movies today really fucking suck.

What about your sweet potatoes and your...sour cream and your.....stockings then?

2011-12-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

Holy shit. I'm pissing myself. Watch all the way to the end -- it's like a wild, wild river. You gotta ride this one out.

ps. Reblogged from Kelly Oxford.

pps. Move over starving third world nations, Tommy needs Bremykt!

Perfectly Shameless Xmas!

2011-12-19T10:48:00.000-08:00

ps. That's bleeping awesome. I should be watching that show.

The Bride's love of clowns

2011-12-19T10:36:00.000-08:00

ps. Found at my company holiday party. Boom! Hilarity.

I sit in my cubicle, here on the Motherworld

2011-12-16T12:44:00.000-08:00

Nov 30, 2011
3:19:11 PM Adam -
3:18:16 PM Adam - i thought you'd like a moment of zen, courtesy of Molls
3:19:01 PM J - ?

3:21:03 PM J - that video was my life story
3:21:15 PM J - did kelly send u that?
3:21:21 PM Adam - pppfffff
3:21:24 PM Adam - I sent MYSELF that
3:21:31 PM J - HA
3:21:43 PM J - u wish u were that cool
3:21:55 PM J -
3:22:26 PM Adam - right?
3:22:39 PM J -
3:25:16 PM Adam - Is that Captain Picard?
3:25:25 PM J - um yes
3:25:30 PM J - who else would i have??
3:26:19 PM Adam - i feel both pity and a little bit of growing respect...
3:26:37 PM J -
3:26:47 PM Adam - I'm not sure how to take that
3:27:03 PM J - i'm not sure what's happening in that emoticon. but i'm pretty sure it involves a queef.
3:27:53 PM Adam - Um...I totally had to google queef
3:28:25 PM J - hahahahahahahaha
3:28:44 PM J - u may discuss with lisa as she is the one who sent me it
3:28:57 PM Adam - yeah, like I'm going to ask Lisa if that's a queefing emoticon.
3:29:06 PM J - haha
3:31:47 PM Adam - though i would get fired for something i had to google
3:31:57 PM J - well yea. why do u think no one sits in my cube?
3:32:16 PM Adam - ummmm...
3:32:21 PM J - i have a little bit of a problem
3:32:43 PM Adam - Is that something I need to google as well? "sitting in my cube"
3:33:33 PM Adam - i did, and I got this:

3:33:38 PM Adam - ummmm.........
3:33:59 PM Adam - that is AMAZING
3:34:03 PM J - uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh
3:34:07 PM J - gay
3:34:15 PM Adam - gay=awesome sauce
3:34:39 PM J -
3:34:45 PM Adam - I mean, she's never going to get to twitch again
3:34:54 PM J - sick
3:35:20 PM Adam - I'm totally putting that on my blog
3:35:28 PM J - omg u blog? is it a parenting blog
3:36:16 PM J - cuz i'll barf on myself
3:36:25 PM Adam - pfffffffff
3:36:30 PM J - omg. its all about me isn't it
3:36:51 PM Adam - it's all about ME. I like stuff all about ME. Though I posted your xmas card
3:37:15 PM J - hahahaha
3:37:19 PM J - this pleases kitty
3:37:21 PM Adam - it was fairly popular
3:37:33 PM Adam - with TENS of people
3:37:39 PM J - omgomgomg
3:37:42 PM Adam - i know
3:38:09 PM J - nobody likes anything i do on facebook
3:38:19 PM J - i sit and refresh ALL day
3:38:20 PM Adam -
3:38:28 PM Adam - I'm gonna put this IM on said blog, k?
3:38:33 PM J - excellent
3:38:45 PM J - it better get likes
3:39:10 PM Adam -
3:39:33 PM J -
3:40:05 PM J - i don't understand blogging. i only understand drunk depressing facebook status updates
3:40:39 PM Adam - but blogging IS essentially drunk depressing facebook status updates. Just longer. ( = better)
3:41:49 PM J - meh

ps. Breathing, laughing, and twitching are the best.

Boners: Pump Up the Volume

2011-12-15T13:13:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a coworker about Leonard Cohen, and Pump Up the Volume came up. She'd never seen it. She asked for a current comparison and I realized there really isn't one. When I was in high school, I rented Pump Up The Volume (back when people used video stores) on a whim, and I loved it. It comforted and inspired me. It sparked years of listening to Leonard Cohen and The Pixies. It made me want to start a pirate radio station. (This was early-era internet, people). And it cemented my love of the dark, artsy semi-bad-girl. Oh, Samantha Mathis...

I watched it a lot through high school. But I haven't seen it since then -- I have a fear of movies I used to love not aging well. But from this YouTube trailer, it seems like this one might have aged just fine.

ps. Definitely putting it on the list to rewatch. I can't imagine growing up with the slate of movies they make about teens these days. They all seem completely insincere, unrealistic, clueless, or completely warped by fantasy or pop culture.

pps. This one goes out to high school me:

Holy Clippers, Batman!

2011-12-14T17:44:00.000-08:00

Well, shit. Looks like there ARE two basketball teams in LA now. I've always gone to Clippers games in LA because A) I don't like the Lakers, B) I can afford tickets to Clippers games, and C) I DON'T like the Lakers. And while the price of Clippers tickets might have just gone up, I have to say things just got interesting:

ps. Chris Paul, Chauncey Billups, Caron Butler joining Blake Griffin. Oooo lawdy.

School Portrait

2011-12-14T12:25:00.000-08:00

This is too good.

School Portrait (2011) from Michael Berliner on Vimeo.

ps. These days I just seem to be reblogging Skykiller. Sorry, 25.

The Teachings of Brian Krakow

2011-12-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

"If you, like, analyze why certain people end up with certain other people, it'll make you want to kill yourself."

-- Brian Krakow

ps. I remember 16-year-old Adam being blown away by this.

Rick "Perry" Ruxbin

2011-12-12T16:13:00.000-08:00

ps. ::spit-take::

"People in Barbie Dream Houses shouldn't throw mojitos"

2011-12-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

I mistakenly listened to Ryan Seacrest's show on the radio on my way to work this morning. He was complaining about the color some frou-frou-or-other organization named the Color of 2012. I believe it was neon orange or some shit. Either way, he claimed he looked horrible in it and I thought he looked horrible in my fucking Monday morning. Anyway, reminded me of Molls and this WONDERFUL rant:

ps. So internet crushing right now.

If you could please open your bibles to the chapter of Tebow

2011-12-12T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'm telling you. I'm starting to believe.

Tebow now has the most (6) gaming-winning 4th quarter drives in a quarterback's 1st 11 starts. And the Broncos scored 10 points in the last 2 min and 5 secs. In the 4th quarter Tebow was 15 of 20 for 163 yd.

ps. Holy shit.

Holy sleepless night

2011-12-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

No, I wasn't partying. No, I wasn't drinking. I was up all night working on a project. Got maybe an hour and a half of sleep before I had to get up again. Wow. I remember when I used to pull all-nighters like my ass was nocturnal. No longer. My ass needs sleep.

Anyway. This morning my son wanted us take pictures with Photobooth on my computer. He's a year and a half, but he still realizes that's pretty fun. I put on sunglasses as my red/tired eyes couldn't handle the flash. Afterwards I decided a self portrait was in order. Though I forgot the effect I'd had on with my son was still on.

Kids, this is what happens when you don't get your beauty rest.

ps. Long time since I've been up and sober at 4am. Weird time, 4am.

Boners: This may be coolest things I've ever seen

2011-12-09T15:40:00.000-08:00

I know I've been posting nothing but videos, but I have to repost this video from Zelig Skykiller.

ps. Kudos, Skykiller, kudos.

THR: The Writers Uncensored

2011-12-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

ps. Love the indigenous art form debate. Starts at 42:00 mark.

College Town Boy - Dent May

2011-12-08T14:43:00.001-08:00

ps. Yep.

New Girl: It's a lumberjack

2011-12-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

ps. Funny. Zooey. Ridiculous. Lingerie. Jimmy Stewart impressions. I may have to start watching that show.

And because I can't not

2011-12-07T15:16:00.000-08:00

ps. Random find off previous post.

Boners: Black Keys - El Camino

2011-12-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

ps. Captain Obvious, but Boners nonetheless.

pps. Not sure if I like the video or the imitations more:

Ken Furer's 2011 Wish List

2011-12-07T11:09:00.000-08:00

Kevin Furer's 2011 Wish List, taken from Deadline Hollywood:

The 2011 Wish List is a compilation of the best unproduced, unwritten screenplays in Hollywood. The second annual list is determined based on a comprehensive voting process involving a tribunal of studio development executives, the BCS computer ranking algorithm, the United States Electoral College, and Sharon Osbourne. Please remember, The Wish List is not a “best of” list. It is, at best, a “waste of the next few minutes of your life.” Enjoy.

REPUBLICANS AND ALIENS
A political sci-fi crossover in which Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, and Michele Bachmann must join forces with an intergalactic alien army to prevent a band of illegal immigrants from crossing the border.

SNAGGED
When his only daughter’s bag of pretzel M&Ms goes missing at the petting zoo, a vengeful father sets out to track it down. TAKEN but with goats.

KELVIN + TINA = XOXO <3 4EVA
After burning a mixed CD for his secret crush, shy high school freshman Kelvin gets arrested for online piracy. A nonlinear romantic dramedy that jumps back and forth in time throughout his parole sentence.

SEAL TEAM 7
An animated family film about a herd of seven lazy elephant seals from Antarctica that gets recruited to assassinate Osama Bin Laden. Seth Rogen will voice all seven seals.

READY TO ASSEMBLE
A remake of Svenn Hjürgynssön’s gritty Swedish crime thriller GUNFIRE KILL SQUAD DEATH KILL that follows a gang of street thugs who attempt to rob an Ikea but get entangled in an all-night hostage standoff armed only with Allen wrenches.

GROOMSMAIDS
When his fiancee leaves for her bachelorette party, an uptight guy and his slacker groomsmen throw their own bachelorette party in order to prove that guys are still just as raunchy as girls. A male Bridesmaids. Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day probably attached.

MIXED SIGNALS
A found footage horror film about a grad student who video chats on his iPhone with his long distance girlfriend when the call mysteriously starts to drop out. Is it a bad Wi-Fi signal or is Siri turning into a jealous psychopath? (Spoiler alert: it’s a bad Wi-Fi signal.)

THE SOMEWHAT EXCEPTIONAL LIFE OF THE MILDLY AMAZING SPANDEX BOY
Based on the cult graphic novel, a dorky high school student who keeps getting beat up starts dressing like a superhero … which pretty much only makes things worse.

MONEYHOOP
An edge-of-your-seat conference room drama that follows NBA Players Association executive director Billy Hunter as he battles Commissioner David Stern in a laborious collective bargaining negotiation. James Franco attached as the neutral third party mediator – and also as dolly grip.

CIRCLED
When a self-absorbed guy gets circled on Google+, he does whatever happens when you get circled on Google+.

ADAPTING ADAPTATION
While attempting to adapt the self-reflexive Charlie Kaufman film ADAPTATION, a struggling playwright realizes that his very attempt to adapt ADAPTATION is actually the adaptation. A Charlie Kaufman-esque tale in the vein of ADAPTATION.

STALK
A retelling of JACK AND THE BEANSTALK, flipped on its head and told from the point of view of the beanstalk.

I WANT TO F**K YOUR BRAINS OUT
A raunchy romantic comedy about a seemingly innocent, dorky girl who turns out to be a tiger in bed. Currently in development under the new title GETTING BUSY. Offer automatically out to Emma Stone. And as always, Betty White is attached.

ps. Dolly grip. Aiiii, good.

Dear Near-Future Me

2011-12-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Near-Future Me,

Please heed the following:

When generic Chinese cookie fortunes are making you think about your priorities, you really need to get your shit together.

When you're up late working and, after finishing, you decide it's a good idea to reorganize your desk or watch crappy TV, go to bed. YOU NEED MORE SLEEP.

You know you’re getting older when your son’s xmas list is so much more fun than yours. I mean, really, check out this sweet race car complete with a flatbed truck! (And it's green, made out of recycled plastic milk containers!)

When you go for a run and you’re too out of it to notice a raised slab of sidewalk and you trip and fall and roll into the street and bang up your knee and elbow, gouge your hands, hurt your ribs, and possibly strain your thumb, then YOU NEEED MORE SLEEP.

As of late, you’ve apparently been very susceptible to catchy pop and hip hop music. You’ve been listening to T Pain and Ninjas in Paris wayyyyy too much. And this:

I’m starting to worry about you.

Past You was so completely right about avoiding Tree of Life when it was in the theaters. Present You was a ho bag for watching it. That two hours could have been better spent doing ANYTHING else. Spending time with your wife, writing, building a paper clip replica of Captain Mal Reynolds, writing, self abuse, seeing how far your could surf your son’s Stride To Ride Dino across the apartment, gorging yourself on Goldfish crackers – any of these would have been perfectly acceptable. Oh, and YOU NEED MORE SLEEP.

ps. Seriously, you should have bailed on that movie when the dinosaurs showed up.

I wanna sky-surf on a sports car

2011-12-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

ps. Love the comment: "Like if you are listening to this in 2011." Totally. The present is so awesome.

Occupy Sesame Street

2011-12-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

You have got to be kidding me.

Things you gotta love about Fox crazies:

1. How is Hollywood not corporate America? Disney. Sony. Time Warner. Comcast. News Corp. Really? Even this stupid "news" show is owned by a corporation that does business in Hollywood.

2. Are we still denying global warming? Is this the new "the world is flat"?

3. "There are all these programs to take care of hungry kids. Why would that muppet be starving?" I don't even know where to start.

ps. As someone who doesn't watch Fox "news," I had no idea that, in addition to the hoo-ha, they're also pretty chauvinistic. That Steven Seagal-looking anchor guy seems like he'd rather have puppets than women to work with and spit back what he wants them to say.

Sing it, brother

2011-12-05T16:12:00.000-08:00

WILL NOT COME TOMORROW MOVIES HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH CIGARETTES AND REALITY WITH SMOKE YOUR UNKNOWN GODARD

-- Godard, wire to British Film Institute about lectures he was to give

YOUR ANONYMOUS GODARD

Cabin in the Woods

2011-12-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

I'm personally not a fan of horror movies. But this hybrid looks Whedon-wonderful.

ps. "Really?" Nice.

No regrets

2011-12-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

Reposting link from Skykiller's post (original here) :

Top Five Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.
Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.
They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

ps. Happy Sunday.

Boners: Address is Approximate

2011-12-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

Address Is Approximate from The Theory on Vimeo.

ps. Love it. Now THAT'S a short.

Finally!

2011-12-01T12:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas shopping can suck. When you don't have money anyway. But this helps.

I was searching Amazon for some toy balls for my son for Christmas. And when I was looking at one of them, this came up in the suggestions by other customers area:

Of course, one must click on such a thing. This is like a chicken-or-the-egg joke. You can see the whole thing (umm) here. The best part is, of course, the comments. I mean, really, it's a goldmine. Here is a sampling:

30 of 31 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars , January 1, 2011
Very Disappointed.
After following instructions and learning the proper technique I assumed I was ready to give myself the exam. Unfortunately the instructions do not specify the force that is supposed to be supplied to each testicle. During my self examination I was writhing in agony.

5.0 out of 5 stars , November 21, 2011
Perfect if you don't have a big truck.

I bought pair to hang off my Smart Car's trailer hitch. The hitch had to be custom made, of course, but it was worth it.

289 of 295 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars, January 11, 2006
testes testes....1,2,3?

Not only a wonderful teaching model, but while trying to find the tumors, I discovered, it acts as a makeshift stress ball! When I am in line at the grocery store I just whip out this handy little bugger and squeeze away....the line around me just dissapears...what an effective little doo dad!

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars , November 9, 2011
Shipping weight 8 pounds!?!?!

I bought this and soon after read the specs. 8 pounds is WAY more than the set God gave me. I will update this review as soon as they come in!

62 of 63 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars, March 30, 2011
I'm trying them out for TSA, too!

I'm a chick, but I purchased a pair of these for my next trip. When I refuse the cancer-causing body scanner I just know they'll want to frisk me, so I figured I'd give them something extra to grab. Oh I can't wait to see the look on the face of 67-IQ agent when she snatches onto to these babies!
I can hardly wait. I'll let you know how it goes.

ps. "Shipping weight 8 pounds!?!?!"

It gets the people going

2011-12-01T10:22:00.000-08:00

ps. Is anyone aware that it's Thursday? How the hell did that happen?

Pros from Dover

2011-11-30T13:02:00.000-08:00

ps. Finest kind.

That guy knows what I'm talking about

2011-11-29T11:04:00.000-08:00

ps. Tell her Raul.

pps. "Whaaaaaaaa.......?" Her expression is worth like $346.23.

So tired

2011-11-29T00:24:00.000-08:00

I've been burning the candle at way too many ends. Working through lunch breaks and dinner. Staying up late to try and get everything done. I'm so tired. And I still feel like I'm short-changing my writing. This song came up on my iTunes tonight. Kept repeating.

ps. Try and look past the overwrought imagery the YouTuber used. And the suicidal overtones of the song. I'm just exhausted and spread too thin. I'm not a Sandra Bernhard drama queen.

p.p.s. Though my idea of porn these days is images of people sleeping. You know those internet ads for sleeping pills or god knows what, and they have an image of someone all nestled into a giant marshmallow of a pillow? They're just at the start of an 8 hour stretch of the dreamless, and they have a closed eye expression on their face that says, "Hate me all you want, bitch, this is HEAVEN."

Movember and Mercedes at the Washing Machine

2011-11-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

When you're doing laundry for three, and one of them is an 18-month-old, well, you do a lot of laundry. So I was here:

And then there was this dude.

Only less camera-friendly than Cagney, more white trash and with more of a severe haircut -- but the same 'stache. And he was pissed. I probably would have been scared if I wasn't folding women's underwear and staring at his silly mustache. He approached me with the following terse greeting:

He didn't think that was funny, but he went off looking for the owner of the Mercedes. At first I hoped, for his sake, that the mustache was some Movember nonsense. But then I saw him outside getting into a mini-van with an angry Hispanic guy, a large woman, and a toddler who not only was not in a car seat, but was running around the back seat as they drove away. So no Movember, just white trash. The perennial 'stache!

ps. I laughed off the Mercedes thing, but when I looked out the window there was said Mercedes, a Hummer, and a Beamer in front of the grimy Washing Machine. That's the desert. Drivin' luxury, livin' in a dump.

Dance Party Friday: 5 O'clock

2011-11-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

As it's the defacto holiday Friday... This is perfect pop. Catchy, fun, and completely ridiculous. Love it.

ps. "I know you be gettin' so horny....waiting on me nekkid with one my chains on..."

pps. Seriously, this may be the most dumbass bonerjamz fun I've had since 25 introduced me to "I can tell" by 504 Boyz.(bonus)

Broad City: fucking awesome

2011-11-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

ps. I will show watch that show.

Boners: This is what you get for being 25

2011-11-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

My co-worker is 25. And she really likes Quiznos. (I know.) So when I made a tangential reference to the crazy Quiznos commercials of the mid-noughts, she said, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Pointing my finger at her, I said: "This is what you get for being 25."

ps. Love the YouTube comment:

I never ate there again when this commercial went off air.. I said "when the rat things come back i will eat the subs".

DEATHNOTE0x0 6 months ago 9

pps. Though they're spongmonkeys, Deathnote. C'mon, seriously, get with it.

A Christmas wish

2011-11-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

It started off with someone dumping some cheesy xmas cards in the lunch room. Then my cubicle neighbor put one up on the glass divider between us for me to have to stare at all day. So I dutifully added one with a crude dialogue bubble, and before you know it she threw down a gauntlet (the above). Touché Ms. J, touché.

ps. Christmas is touching!

Gobsmacked by nipples

2011-11-17T12:49:00.000-08:00

"Occasionally you get gobsmacked by a woman's nipples."

- my friend P, last night at the Village Idiot in LA

ps. Coincidentally, I also complained that night about the awful domestic one sheet/billboard they're using for Fincher's remake of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And P suggested I check out the international one sheet.

Gobsmacked! I mean, who wouldn't want to see that instead of this shit?:

Boo.

Boners: Molls me likes

2011-11-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

You can buy those T-shirts off her, bitches!

I'm starting a series on my whims of the world wide web. Which I'm calling Boners, in honor of Ms. Molly Hall, whose use of the phrase is both awesome (in both fact and in definition), and tickles the shit out of me. So it's only fitting that I center my first one on:

Molly McAleer. Fuck me sideways, she's funny. I am waist deep in MollsSheWrote. Because, no offense, I have zero interest in 2 Broke Girls, so I instead opt to eat that shit up on her blog. The blog isn't new news. The looks-like-a-drunken-tweener McAleer writes for a network comedy for fucks sake. But I stumbled on it randomly last week and I've been devouring it since.

She rather strikes me as a 21st century stab at the archetypical P.G. Wodehouse girl. Cute, appealing, smart and funny -- but also unpredictable, off-kilter, strident, reckless, and most certainly dangerous.

So I ignore that she makes me feel much older than her than I actually am. I ignore that her blog makes mine look like it was spawned by a lazy Prodigy-era shit (an internet reference she probably wouldn't even get). And I ignore the reminder that extroverted alcoholics do much better out here in the desert.

I instead focus on the funny. And the adorable, crazy, crass Molls.

ps. She also tweeted that Sallie Mae is a nasty bitch, and this endears her to me.

Powers: Who Killed Retro Girl?

2011-11-08T09:58:00.000-08:00

Powers Vol. 1: Who Killed Retro Girl? by Brian Michael Bendis

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Meh.

View all my reviews

ps. That's right. I said it.

I like books

2011-11-04T09:37:00.001-07:00

ps. "I like books" is Our Man in Los Angeles buzz words.

The 13 things I learned by watching American Horror Story

2011-10-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

(or the half I made it through)

1. Melissa & Joey isn’t the scariest thing on TV.
2. Black Swan single-handedly reduced our culture’s sexual IQ to that of a dim 14-year-old boy.
3. All-white LA schools are vicious!
4. Once you’ve read The Shining, there’s apparently no turning back.
5. Ryan Murphy has clearly never slept with a woman – and the idea gives him the heebie jeebies.
6. 16-year-olds should not have the final say when buying property.
7. It’s always a good idea to work from home.
8. I miss Tootsie-era Jessica Lange.
9. Maid outfits are sexy. (This one is funny, and yet true.)
10. Moving to LA will kill you. (Again, funny, and yet true.)
11. You don’t need characters when you have atmosphere and leather body suits.
12. Vera Farmiga is apparently younger than I thought she was. I could have sworn that was her daughter, not her younger sister. Nepotism is complicated.
13. Twins!

Ps. Alexandra Breckenridge is still worth watching.

Nobody tells you, but Ira Glass will

2011-10-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

Very true. Very painful. And yet very relieving to hear.

Ira Glass on Storytelling from David Shiyang Liu on Vimeo.

ps. Gotta love Ira Glass.

GUEST BLOG: How To Keep A Writer From Going Off The Track

2011-09-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

(Our Man in Los Angeles preface: You read someone's book, you speak to their people, and bam, you've got a guest blog. Life in the internet age. And yet my mailman still gives me my neighbor's junk snail mail.)

By Peter Desberg and Jeffrey Davis

In our book, Show Me The Funny!: At the Writers Table With Hollywood’s Top Comedy Writers, 28 top comedy writers from the golden age of TV to Everybody Loves Raymond and There’s Something About Mary, take the same generic premise and develop it into their unique stories. Along the way, unexpected things happen. In fact, great Hollywood stories, tricks of the trade and writing advice came out of these interviews that might not have happened in a regular Q & A. For example, we were amazed to discover how many of these accomplished comedy pros came from math and science backgrounds.

Sherwood Schwartz, creator of two iconic shows (Gilligan’s Island and The Brady Bunch) was on his way to medical school at UCLA when his older brother introduced him to Bob Hope. Mitch Klebanoff (Beverly Hills Ninja) says he always did better in math…especially visual math. He was stronger in Geometry than in English.

And there’s Elliot Schoenman, who lists among his impressive credits, Maude and Show-runner on Home Improvement. Elliot holds an undergraduate degree in math and physics and a graduate degree in math. “People are always saying, ‘What a wasted background,’ but it’s actually very good for plotting,” he told us.

During his tenure as show-runner on Home Improvement he was amazed by how disorganized some writers could be when it came to structuring a story. In the Writers’ Room when the staff broke out stories there was one writer in particular Elliot remembers. She would work in tangents that were interesting, even funny, but went nowhere and more important, didn’t develop character or move the story forward.

“The only way I could get her to stop and think,” Elliot told us, “…is I brought her…Brio trains…little wooden train sets that the kids used to have? I got her a piece of Brio train track, where it’s a straight track with a little curve that goes off. I got a little stop sign, and I put it on her desk…I put the stop sign half on and half off the little curve. I said, ‘Every time you come up with a beat…I want you to think: Am I going this way---Elliott indicated a straight line with his palm---or am I going this way---Elliott made a curved line. If you even suspect you’re going this way---Elliott indicated a curved line again---look at that little stop sign and come into my office.’”

Elliot told us; “I was always astounded by how far people could go off.” His background shows in Elliot’s methodical, and at the same time, imaginative development of the premise we gave him.

Elliot is too much of a gentleman to name names, but he did say, with no little amount of pride, that the woman who learned not to derail herself is now one of the biggest writers in the business.

Whether or not you run out and buy a Brio train set or just a Stop sign, Elliot’s method for knowing when you are heading off track, is a great device for all writers, no matter what genre or form we work in. To see Elliot’s story and the other writers interviewed in Show Me The Funny go to our website: www.showmethefunnyonline.com (or www.smtfo.com for short).

If you find this writing tip as helpful as we do, there are many more where this came from.

P.S. While you’re out there web-surfing, ‘Like’ us at www.Facebook.com/SMTFfans.

# # #

Author Bios:

One out of every 150 people in America bought a copy of a joke book that Peter Desberg has written. Unfortunately, Scholastic sold the most popular one for $1 each, so he still has to work. Counting his five joke books, he has had twenty books published. In addition to this lucrative writing career, he is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the area of stage fright. He has worked with many top stand-up comedians, who are regularly confronted with massive cases of flop sweat. He also has been moonlighting as a full professor at California State University Dominguez Hills for over thirty years.

Jeffrey Davis's earliest memories are of sitting around the writers' table at Nate & Al's Delicatessen, where his father and his comedy writer cronies gathered over corn beef and Doctor Brown's Cream Soda, told war stories, and tried to fix third acts. He began his own career writing jokes for Thicke of the Night. Among his situation comedy credits are Love Boat, House Calls with Lynn Redgrave, Give Me a Break, Diff'rent Strokes, and Night Court. He has also written for such shows as America's Funniest People, America's Funniest Home Videos, and Small Wonder, and has had film projects developed by Bette Midler's All Girl Productions, among others. His plays have been produced in New York and Los Angeles. His most recently published play is Speed Dating 101. He is the Screenwriting Department Chair and associate professor of film and TV writing at Loyola Marymount University. His one night of stand-up at the Comedy Store convinced him that he should stay permanently seated at his desk.

Show Me the Funny

2011-09-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

As a rule, I don't read Q&A books. I've learned my lesson from one too many Conversations With...., or a bunch of take-it-or-leave-it Q&A books with a bunch of TV showrunners where apparently all the author(s) cared about was getting a chance to sit down with Joss Whedon.

(Um...now all I can think about is writing a book proposal for something called Joss Whedon Talks About Stuff.)

But, luckily, I'm full of shit, because I was recently given a copy of Show Me the Funny by Peter Desberg and Jeffrey Davis. The short: Desberg and David take a single premise and give it to 22 different comedy writers to see how they would develop the same comic premise.

And that's where this book got me. It's basically a series of casual, relaxed conversations. Which is why it works. There are a few things that certainly benefit from running at the mouth:

1) Getting to know someone better.
2) Developing an story premise.
3) Finding the funny.

Anyone who's pitched an idea or broken a story with a friend or co-writer knows that nothing works better than sitting down and talking it out. And that's what I found in this book. I wasn't particularly interested in the comic premise, but listening to 22 different people approach in 22 different ways was fascinating.

Yvette Bowser went straight for the characters' psychology. Bob Myer compared it to past and current shows to immediately shed his first ideas in favor of his second and third pitches in an attempt to find something that would survive in the marketplace. Cheri and Bill Steinkellner bantered and performed off of one another like a comedy duo to find a strong, funny idea. Peter Casey went straight to the core conflict and built the concept back up from there. It's amazing what you can learn from simply listening to someone talk. Not just answering questions, but really talking out loud.

But maybe the strongest aspect of the book is that the chatty slant lends itself to some particularly funny gems that I'll end with:

From Phil Rosenthal:

Lew [Schneider]'s role on Raymond was room monkey. He'll admit this. When you needed to jump-start something funny, a comic spirit in the room, he would pretend to have sex with the thermostat. It's essential to have that monkey... [Lew's] absolutely hysterical to the point where you are working and you have to say, "You must stop. Please put your pants back on and come back to the table because we need you."

From Dennis Klein:

All I care about as a writer, just like in a sex act, is just being turned on... I'll see these other movies, or plays, and they're crappy, and people say they're great and I want to kill them. I have these moments. But it's just an important discipline to focus on what's great. I've been saying all kinds of bullshit and you guys are going to cut it down...hopefully, you're going to do a good job. There's a couple of minutes there where it was really worth something... That's nice to have that as part of the writing thing and the rewriting. You write a lot and you whittle it down, and that's our job in writing.

From Lew Schneider:

That comedy stuff is all icing. You don't start with the comedy. You certainly don't start with the dialogue. Funny dialogue, that's really the last part of the icing, and before that it's funny behavior that might get comic. And before that it's all the story... Sometimes I'll pitch a bunch of stuff, and someone will say, "that was great, why didn't yo pitch that first?" "I don't know. I just like to talk."

ps. Check it out at their website, www.showmethefunnyonline.com, where they also have video of the interviews with the comedy writers.

pps. Desberg and David also take and answer questions about writing, pitching and comedy at their Facebook page.

Bury Me Deep

2011-09-09T15:29:00.000-07:00

Bury Me Deep: A Novel by Megan Abbott

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Not my favorite. The stylization kept throwing me off. But it's still hard not to get sucked into Abbott's dark little eddies. She know how to work a prurient narrative.

View all my reviews

ps. Still looking forward to The End Of Everything.

pps. If you haven't read Abbott, I recommend starting with The Song Is You, and checking her out here.

New Poet Laureate Philip Levine reads 'What Work Is'

2011-08-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

With the new job, I've been an absentee blogger. So, on that note, I want to share a link to Philip Levine reading 'What Work Is,' which I heard on the commute home tonight on NPR. Poem follows the link.

New Poet Laureate Philip Levine reads 'What Work Is' | News In Brief | Marketplace from American Public Media

WHAT WORK IS by Philip Levine

We stand in the rain in a long line
waiting at Ford Highland Park. For work.
You know what work is—if you’re
old enough to read this you know what
work is, although you may not do it.
Forget you. This is about waiting,
shifting from one foot to another.
Feeling the light rain falling like mist
into your hair, blurring your vision
until you think you see your own brother
ahead of you, maybe ten places.
You rub your glasses with your fingers,
and of course it’s someone else’s brother,
narrower across the shoulders than
yours but with the same sad slouch, the grin
that does not hide the stubbornness,
the sad refusal to give in to
rain, to the hours wasted waiting,
to the knowledge that somewhere ahead
a man is waiting who will say, “No,
we’re not hiring today,” for any
reason he wants. You love your brother,
now suddenly you can hardly stand
the love flooding you for your brother,
who’s not beside you or behind or
ahead because he’s home trying to
sleep off a miserable night shift
at Cadillac so he can get up
before noon to study his German.
Works eight hours a night so he can sing
Wagner, the opera you hate most,
the worst music ever invented.
How long has it been since you told him
you loved him, held his wide shoulders,
opened your eyes wide and said those words,
and maybe kissed his cheek? You’ve never
done something so simple, so obvious,
not because you’re too young or too dumb,
not because you’re jealous or even mean
or incapable of crying in
the presence of another man, no,
just because you don’t know what work is.

ps. Amazing.

The Chandler Apartments

2011-07-28T21:41:00.001-07:00

The Chandler Apartments by Owen Hill

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This book could be off-putting to a lot of people. Whether because of the well-saturated bisexuality, or because of the poetry-on-a-pedestal Berkeley-boho-hooey, that depends on the person. But, personally, if the concept of a bisexual anti-establishment book scout who moonlights as a private detective doesn't draw you in, I'm not sure what will. Jonathan Lethem described this mystery as insouciant fictional gossip. I'd say that's right on the money for a subculture uppercut of a book that sucked me in and left me wanting more. Read for a heady dose of main character Clay Blackburn's holy trinity: sex, poetry and travel.

View all my reviews

ps. More to come on the blog, I've been bogged down in a new job, the tater tot, and trying to fit in writing.

Cold Flat Junction

2011-07-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

Cold Flat Junction by Martha Grimes

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

While missing some of the magic of Hotel Paradise -- and possessing a first 20 pages or so that horrifically recapitulate said predecessor -- any continuation of Emma Graham's story is a good thing, and Grimes still managed to hook me, or I should say, put me in a brown study.

View all my reviews

ps. It is hard to not like a precocious girl who uses Patsy Cline and Faulkner to meddle with a Sheriff and a poacher respectively.

Some go underground, I go back in time

2011-07-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

Continuing a thread here, musical pickings seem iffy lately. Zelig says he opts to go to the underground music scene. I do as well. But lately? I'm going back in time.

I've always loved the blues. The real shit. Chicago up through the 70's. Country blues from the 70's. Delta blues. Some of the revival stuff from the 80's and 90's. Anything with a killer harp player/riff. My latest obsession? Junior Wells's album Hoodoo Man Blues with Buddy Guy from 1965. That shit is ripped right out of the heart of Chicago blues, packing one hell of a punch, dripping with blues and sex -- and it's just as potent and effective today as it was back then.

The proof is in the YouTube, in threes:

And probably my current fav:

ps. Junior Wells is a badass. No past tense about it.

They sure as shit don't make 'em like they used to

2011-07-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

Sky God posted an interesting old commercial. He was talking more about women. But it got me thinking. Each Superbowl seems to interspersed with increasingly worse commercials on the whole. Maybe I'm just starting to get old myself. But I couldn't help thinking about commercials from when I was younger. I found this old "classic" on Youtube. Love it.

ps. And Cindy Crawford might just be further proof to Sky God's original point...

Are We There Yet

2011-07-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've been find myself listening to the Tribe a lot recently. I've even broken out old school LL Cool J. (Who knew Around The Way Girl would hold up so well after all these years?) Rap seems deader than dead lately. I'm sick of the radio crap, the reiterative crap, and the brief interludes in pop songs to make some singer seem more legit. I also miss rappers that understand narrative power. Or hell, what about just rapping about girls and being cool and shit? C'mon.

But I've stumbled on Dumbfounddead and this shit is tonic enough:

ps. Awesome. Still miss me some Tribe, but awesome.

Warm Bodies

2011-07-01T08:03:00.000-07:00

Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I'm not one for zombie anything. But this zombie love story crept up on me. The first half (or first of the three sections) is really quite something. Sadly, the rest is not.

View all my reviews

ps. Nonetheless, I would still highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys zombie tales. Summit has the film in the works as I blog. And Jonathan Levine is directing it. Which surprises me, and gives me hope.

Columbo: The Best TV Detective. Ever.

2011-06-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

The passing of Peter Falk this past week wasn't only an unfortunate loss, it was a reminder of a bar set so very high. Personally, I don't think that Columbo has never been matched in terms of TV mysteries. It had everything: a great character, great acting and writing, great cases, great humor, and great endings. It has influenced a long line of TV mystery shows. It attracted countless famous guest stars, was part of Steven Speilberg's early TV stomping grounds as a director, and introduced us to Columbo: perhaps the all-time great TV character.

I always loved Columbo. I would watch the reruns of the series (which spans back to 1971) as a young kid in the 80's and 90's, and every Columbo special that aired as I grew older. I dressed up as Columbo for four consecutive Halloweens as a young kid -- which probably says more about myself than how great the TV show was, as it was an odd costume for a kid and I always had to explain that I wasn't a private detective, I was Columbo.

Most people know the show's unique touches: the murder was witnessed in the opening scenes; the joy came in watching how Columbo solved the case and foiled the killer's clever cover-up; Columbo played stupid and was always underestimated; he always held cigar and hand to his head in a perplexed pose and wore the same old trench coat (which Falk bought himself in a shop in NYC and wore through the entire run of the series); and Columbo had a fun, oblique and fumbling style of interrogation that usually drove his suspects nuts, with him always leaving, and then returning with a dangerous "Just one more thing..."

But I've always loved that Columbo had a sense of humor, never took himself too seriously, and was extremely confident despite the fact that everyone assumed he was an idiot and he played along. Comparing him to the landscape of sleuths of various shades over the last few decades on TV, Columbo is still a unique achievement. He had no team of crackpot scientists, no quirky special ability, no super computer -- he was just a great detective and a great character. He was a reminder that great people (and great writing) are sometimes just as simple as that.

Despite many of the dated qualities of the show's production, it's still incredibly watchable and fun. Richard Levinson, William Link and Peter Falk's creation does more than stand the test of time. It still towers over its genre.

If you haven't watched Columbo, or haven't seen much, or even if you've seen it all, here are some examples of the show's unique touches:

A general overview of the show's style and tone:

A good example of Columbo's interrogation style:

It's also worth noting Columbo's frequent style of ending episodes, which was almost more in line with the fantastic line of 70's American film than TV of the time period:

ps. Just one more thing... an example of the show's humor: